Ghosted by Your Boss?

Turn a Frustrating Situation into an Opportunity

October 29, 2024

We’ve all run into this scenario: you’re nervous about meeting with your boss for a routine 1:1 meeting. You’ve done everything you can to prepare: created your list, prioritized your discussion items, separated out your questions from your updates. But, after waiting 10 minutes on Teams, you get a message: “running late.” It’s happened again. She’s going to be late, or if history is any indicator, she’s going to cancel altogether.

One of my mentees faced this problem as he was starting his first job out of college.

Brian had just moved across the country for a management rotational program and was working hard to exceed expectations – showing up every day in the office, even when the rest of his team was taking liberties with the work from home policy. During orientation, his manager had proposed weekly 1:1 meetings. Unfortunately, the meetings were set up sporadically, and often, Brian was left waiting for up to 30 minutes wondering whether his manager was going to show. Sometimes, he didn’t even get a message that she was going to be late, and other times, his manager cancelled the meeting after several delays.

At first, Brian tried to brush it off. He knew that his manager was really busy and handling a lot, and he didn’t want to be a burden – or worse yet, come across as pushy or needy. But without regular check-ins, Brian struggled to get clarity on his priorities and feedback on his work. He started feeling disconnected from the team and unsure about what direction he should take.

Brian was becoming more and more frustrated. But he was new, and he wasn’t sure if he should say something to his boss. And if he did say something, what would it be? He knew he had to find some solution because having regular 1:1’s, especially this early on in his job, was important for his – and the whole team’s – success.

These meetings are crucial for your projects, for your growth and for your advancement. How else are you going to get feedback, guidance, and input?

So, what do you do when your boss doesn’t seem to prioritize your 1:1 meetings?

What is going on?

Let’s first take a look at why this might be happening before settling on what to do. I would guess that your boss is likely juggling a bunch of responsibilities, deadlines, and unforeseen issues that come up throughout the day. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it does provide some context. Remember that your boss also has a boss and is likely prioritizing the demands – perceived or real – from above. With this in mind, it’s easier to have a constructive mindset when figuring out what to do.

How this affects you

How does your manager’s tardiness or missing meetings affect you? Here are some of the feelings you might be experiencing:

Reduced morale: You might feel undervalued or unimportant, which decreases your motivation or engagement.
Lack of guidance: Missing opportunities for regular input and guidance can leave you feeling lost and directionless.
Annoyed: Nobody likes to be kept waiting; it may make you feel like your work does not matter if you don’t even get the courtesy of notification.
Miscommunication: You may not know if your boss is satisfied or dissatisfied with your progress. Are you on the right track or do you need to do something differently? Lack of regular touchpoints could affect your performance and the team’s overall productivity.

Your approach

Fortunately, there are some good approaches to address this challenge. You want to find a solution that works for both you and your boss, one where you each can address what’s behind this dynamic.

Step 1. Assess the Situation

Before you start with any actions, ask yourself:

How often does your boss actually miss or cancel meetings?
Is there a pattern to when or why these cancellations occur? Does it happen at the same time each day?
Has your boss mentioned being overwhelmed or facing tight deadlines recently? Are there major projects that they are working on, perhaps with other team members?
How do you think these missed meetings are impacting your work or your development?

Understanding these patterns can help you figure out if this is an occasional or a recurring issue.

Step 2. Map Out Your Plan

You should approach the issue with a proactive and flexible mindset.

Propose an agenda: One or two days before your next meeting, send a short email with a proposed agenda. This shows that you’re prepared and have some questions that need your manager’s input.
Be ready with alternative times: If your boss cancels, or if you know it’s a busy crunch time, have some alternative times in mind.
Take initiative to reschedule when necessary. Move the meeting proactively if you suspect the time likely will not work for your boss. Try to keep it that same day or the next day. This shows your willingness to adapt and your commitment to meeting.
Consider other ways to communicate:If face-to-face meetings are challenging, suggest a brief phone call, a quick chat via messaging apps, or even an email update. Find out what works best for both of you. Sometimes, shifting the format can make it easier for your boss to engage.

Step 3. Communicate Openly and Professionally

If the issue continues, even with your best efforts, it could be time to have an open conversation with your boss. This conversation won’t be easy, so here are some ideas on how to approach it:

Set the right tone: Let your boss know that you are appreciative of her guidance and how much you value the one-on-one time.
Explain the impact:Briefly explain how the cancellations or delays could affect your ability to move the projects forward. This is especially important if you are new to your company or your role.
Suggest solutions:Offer suggestions for how you might overcome these scheduling challenges together. Perhaps there is a better time of day or day of the week that fits with the natural cadence of your (and your boss) work. Perhaps shorter (15 to 30 minutes) updates would work better. Maybe you could meet for lunch or coffee once a week?

Step 4. Be Patient and Persistent

Change doesn’t happen overnight. After your initial conversation, give your boss some time to adjust and make the effort to honor your meetings. When meetings occur on time or on a regular schedule, let your boss know how helpful the input is and use specific examples when you applied the advice. Positive reinforcement can go a long way in maintaining this new dynamic.

You tried everything… now what?

It’s possible that, even after all your changes and direct conversations, your boss reverts to old ways and starts ignoring or deprioritizing your 1:1’s. No manager is perfect, and you may think it’s time to escalate the issue. But, you really have to think hard about escalating something like this. Going over your manager’s head should not be taken lightly since it will ultimately impact your day-to-day relationship with your direct manager. Instead, it’s a good idea to go back to step one and try again or continue to send your 1:1 update list via email so have a running record of how you have kept your boss informed and updated on your progress.

Other options you can consider are:

Document missed meetings: Keep a list of missed meetings and the impacts on your work. For example, think about whether or not some of these have occurred: you were waiting for input on a project and could not move forward, you did not fully understand company policy, you did not know which internal stakeholder to engage, you needed help prioritizing tasks. These notes could come in handy when you do meet with your manager.
Seek advice: It’s always worthwhile to talk to a mentor, either within your company or outside. You have a specific example of a problem you are facing, and your mentor may have also faced the same issue in the past. Seeking another perspective may help you consider something you have not thought about.

Benefits of Addressing the Issue

Getting yourself on the right path to consistent 1:1 input from your manager has a lot of benefits.

Improved communication and feedback: It is always ideal to have good, open communication between you and your boss. This is one of the most important business relationships you have. Ensuring it is open, transparent and trusting will be key to your success and growth.
Acknowledgement of your contributions: Regular updates and input meetings is the way for you to communicate your progress, accomplishments, collaboration and problem-solving.
Career development: Ensuring these meetings take place can help you stay on track and achieve your professional goals.

Back to our colleague in need…

Let’s check back in on Brian.

After months of late and cancelled meetings, Brian decided to draft a clear agenda before his next 1:1 meeting. A couple of days in advance, he would email his manager a concise list of topics to cover, sorted by “Update”; “Questions”; “Other”. This approach clarified that there were not only important project updates, but also areas that needed clarification before he could move forward. The list also provided a way to show that his work was aligned to the teams’ overall goals. In his email, he also included a suggestion for an alternative timeslot “just in case something came up at the last minute and they needed to reschedule.”

At their next 1:1 meeting, Brian and his manager had a productive discussion, and Brian was able to have all his questions answered. He continued with this approach for his future meetings, and he felt better about being on better footing with his manager. He was hopeful that things would continue to improve.

We’ll check back in on Brian in a future post on The Life Sesh.

These situations require patience, professionalism, and a proactive approach. By understanding the context, being flexible, communicating openly, and knowing when to escalate, you can turn this challenge into an opportunity for growth and improved communication. Stay positive, stay proactive, and remember that every challenge is really just another opportunity.

Call to Action

Prepare for your next 1:1 using my 1:1 prep sheet. Email a copy to your manager the day before your next meeting
Save your 1:1 prep sheets as a reminder on what to do for follow-up and to facilitate your preparation for your quarterly, mid-year, and year-end review discussions.
Reflect on your future. Take a few minutes to think about what it will be like when you are the manager…what would you want to get out of an effective meeting with your direct report? This is a great topic for your next meeting with your mentor.